I wish I could take your hand and show you the way through the darkness that hovers at the edge of your peripheral. I wish I could tell you it leaves but my god, it doesn't. It stays. And I don't tell you this to frighten you or to take away that slither of hope you cradle so very close to your heart. I tell you because the day comes when you don't feel like your overflowing, ever-changing emotions are a burden. They feel less like a curse and more like a blessing. I tell you this because I want you to know that your courage to keep going is inspiring and your strength admirable and you're going to learn how to balance it. All of it. The scales won't feel so heavily tipped. Your heart won't feel so heavy. If your rebellious, stubborn, sensitive self refuses to read this any further, then know this: keep going. Just keep going. It's going to work out. It's going to be okay. We're going to be okay, kid.
It doesn't happen for a while but you get the answers for why you are the way you are and oddly enough it comes after your first child grows up a little. He's perfect by the way. And it's by loving him for all that he is, that you learn to love yourself for all that you are. He comes along a little earlier than you might expect but we wouldn't change it for the world.
I know right now you feel like your parents hold less of the answers and you hold more and that your friend's word is final, but love them okay. Your mum. Your dad. Love them a little harder. They're doing what they can with what they have and what they know. They might not be perfect but bloody hell, neither are we. They're only human. And they love you more than anything in this world. So just be a little nicer okay? You've been a bit of a witch lately and you'll resent that part of you eventually. The part that takes her anger and frustration and a deep sense of self-loathing out on the people she loves. They aren't your punching bags. They really do love you even if they don't always. show it in a way that makes sense to you.
The people who made you feel this way. The bullies who hurt you. Threatened you. Left bruises on you; physically, mentally and emotionally. The ones who slandered you over bathroom walls and made you feel like you were less than? The friends whose favourite pastime was to stab you in the back... You hold the power, A. You leave school. You move on with your life. You become someone and they message you. They want to know how you are. They apologise and ask for forgiveness even though they admit they aren't worthy of that gift. And you wanna know something? You do it. You forgive them. Because that's who you are and who you've always been. And you give them that gift so they can not be hurting anymore because you aren't hurting anymore. You wish them well. You send them on their way. Because that's the kind of angel you become. It's that empathy and understanding that leads you to where I am now. You won't believe how many people you reach daily. How many lives you touch. And even though there are days you want to give it all up. You don't. Your strength - not mine but yours, is what I carry with me in my back pocket. It's that strength that gets us through much of life.
So much changes yet so much remains the same but right now, all I ask is that you focus on the day in front of you. The next 24 hours. The next step. It all adds up. I can't promise that it will be better tomorrow, or the next day, or even the one after that, but day by day it does get better. So please, just keep going. Hold on a little while longer. Take each day, each hour, each minute as it comes.
Because although your mind is weary and your bones exhausted and the weight of the world is pressing down on you, keep going because I promise you, something beautiful is waiting for you around the corner... you just can't see it yet.
